And I suppose it is also ok to live a life that you sometimes don't quite understand yourself ...
This is an edited version of an email I wrote to my family in Germany in October 2020.
It was the middle of August 2018. It was late in the evening and already dark outside. Matt and I were sitting in two bright red and blue plastic Adirondack chairs in the living room of our house. We had no couch yet, just these rather uncomfortable chairs. Klara was staying with John and Rosa that night and Matt was trying to get me to watch Dr. Who with him. I was not really interested. Outside the porch door, a much more fascinating spectacle was unfolding. It was pouring rain and to the south, over the mountains, a thunderstorm was lighting up the night sky. I thought this was much more interesting to watch and so we turned the chairs away from the TV and observed the storm. And we talked.
A few months earlier I had decided that it was time to 'mix things up'. Teaching at the Okemo Mountain School had become unchallenging for several years and I was ready, and honestly quite desperate, for a new challenge and something that had the potential to earn a little more money as well. Equally, I wanted to sell the rental house, ‘The Funhouse', the sale of which would free up time and money to finish our own house, ‘The Little House’, so we could stop sleeping in the fort under the stairs. Fun as it was, it was time to move out of the 'sandbox'. I don't remember the timing exactly, but it feels as though that epic, thunder, and stormy night was the same day I came back from my real estate training in New York City, which introduced me to the idiosyncrasies and workings of the Engel & Volkers brand. I had started my journey into the business of selling homes as a real estate agent. Things were moving, shifting, and changing.
Matt and I had been together for about five and a half years and we had always postponed getting married because of money. Matt was not working full-time because he was fixing up our house. I was not working full-time because of the rental house, because of Klara, because the Okemo Mountain School didn't operate year-round. So the social security benefits I was getting as a widow were a big help and I would lose them if we got married. But on that stormy night, we decided it was time for a leap of faith. It was time to cut the cord, take a plunge, and see where it would take us. A couple of weeks later we were married.
The real estate gig seemed to be working out as well. I did make a little more money and I learned so much!!! Oh boy, did I learn a lot! For someone who had never sold or bought a house before, I was getting a fast education. By the end of 2018, I had sold the first house, The Funhouse, goal accomplished! The trouble was that we still didn't have a shower in our own house and were still sneaking across the street to take showers every once in a while even though the house was no longer ours ... That put a fire under Matt's butt to get our shower done and a few months later we finally moved up in the world and into an actual bedroom. This leap of faith to change jobs, to get married, and to sell the house, started to turn our life in a new direction that was exciting, and different.
And now, here we are again. 2020 has been another year of leaps, of changes, and of unexpected turns. The first surprise of the year was a visit from the Chinese side of the family. But much before my brother David, his wife Miki, and their daughter Sophia arrived a virus had made its way across the world. By the time they left, the world was starting to shut down. While this strange new situation unfolded we locked ourselves away in our little Gill Terrace bubble and Matt got to work on the house, building dormers, and pushing our house project along in a way we could have never imagined had it not been for the forced lockdown. We were fortunate, having a big yard, to still enjoy the beautiful spring and turn to summer without being completely confined to a small living space. My real estate work ground to a halt, but deals that had already been struck puttered along to closing.
Then, after the strict lockdown guidelines started relaxing ever so slightly, all hell broke loose in the real estate market. Houses started selling so fast in Vermont as never seen before in the decades-long careers of the local veterans in the business. Million-dollar homes were selling for cash, houses that had been on the market for years were suddenly flying off the shelves. Vermont became an attractive place to be during the pandemic, with its low population density. This should have been the time for me to dig my heels in, to take full advantage of the upswing, to scoop up the spoils. But alas, I was losing inspiration and I am still not quite sure why. A lot of things started to change. Klara was home as her school had shut down and so I was not quite as flexible as before to leave the house at a moment’s notice. Childcare options were limited due to the pandemic. In another unexpected turn, and after several weeks of intense work on our house, Matt had gotten his dream job with a company he had been wanting to work for, for years. This meant he was gone all day and I was managing the dogs as well. Fitting work into this new routine was becoming more and more challenging. Over time an idea started growing in my mind - how about I take some time off, stop working, focus on finishing my list of personal projects? I could easily keep myself busy for six months or more. Well, yes, but can we afford to lose my income?
I was torn. Back and forth I went in my mind, but as the weeks passed, the job was wearing me down more and more. Clients were threatening each other with lawsuits, other customers were so difficult to work with that I started having nightmares. Every time I picked myself back up and thought that I could do this, another 'crazy' situation unfolded. From quite early on during my time as a real estate agent, I had become known in the office as the person that attracted situations and scenarios no-one had encountered in all their many decades in the business. This made for, as I said, a fast and furious education, but it was also exhausting. I learned that in this business you have to have the makings of a poker player - you have to become good at bluffing and calling the bluff of others. I learned that I can be good at that, but I also learned that I was not quite tough enough to deal with the constant mental strain and drama that comes with that. I learned that sometimes you have to push back hard when customers, clients, or other real estate agents are being difficult, but that was something that did not come naturally to me. With the new frenzy in the market, the intensity of the job was only becoming more pronounced as houses were being bid on by several buyers at the same time all trying to beat each other to get that house in Vermont. Was it time to leave on a high note maybe? After much wrangling with myself, I decided to take another leap of faith and I handed in my notice.
Because of the busy market conditions, I had built up some savings to keep paying myself for a while. I felt good about that and decided we could make this work without too much financial strain. We would just see how it goes. But then came the kicker. Matt called me one day, not long after I had made my decision, with the news that his boss had decided to give him a very generous pay rise starting with the new year! Both our jaws dropped to the floor and I had some tears in my eyes. The faith in the leap had been justified! More exciting changes, more new experiences were on the horizon and I was very excited about it and looking forward to it!
In a way and without really realizing it, this has been a goal in the making for a while. The last few years had been a period of conscious 'disentanglement' for me. I had given up my position as treasurer and member of the farmers market board, I had separated myself from the effort, which I spearheaded for a while, to start a new school in Ludlow. (The school started successfully this year without my help.) I had stopped working at the Okemo Mountain School and embarked on a brief real estate adventure that helped me sell The Funhouse and release that responsibility. It had also afforded me some savings to make the 'time off' possible. Of course, as we know, life can be unpredictable, but if all goes smooth and as we hope, then I will be off on my 'sabbatical' starting on January 1st without any responsibilities other than those for the human and furry members of the family living under this small roof on Gill Terrace.
What will I do with my time? I have a few ideas, of course. I will not be bored. I would like to bring my 'Two Suitcases' project to a conclusion. It is sometimes hard to explain why we are driven to do what we do. Just like I didn't know where the period of 'disentanglement' would lead. I am also not sure where the 'Two Suitcases' project is going, time will tell. Since moving to Vermont in 2009, I have been working on simplifying our lives, by unloading the endless amount of stuff that has filled garages, attics, basements, and the many boxes stored in them. Should we ever move again, especially to Europe, I'd like to fit all I would want to take with me into two suitcases, that is the goal. But more than being ready to move mentally and physically, the project is really about taking some of the noise and clutter out of life and creating space.
My second goal is to write. Again, I have no idea where this will lead. Over the past 10 years, I have gone through a few periods during which I felt inspired to write. I’d be up in the middle of the night for days on end, writing. Over the past few months, I have kept a notebook of writing ideas. I plan to share stories from the past and the present on the blog on which you are reading this. The first entry was on October 13th, 2020, and I will consider it the official start date. That also happens to be the anniversary of my father’s passing. It had always been a dream of his to write a book someday and I don’t think he ever realized that dream quite in the way he had hoped. When I was young he would always encourage me to write, but I rarely had the time or inspiration. I don’t have any grand ambitions for my writing other than sharing and processing stories and see where they lead.
And finally, I'll just dial it down a notch, run less, breathe more, spend time with Klara, walk with the dogs, and read. The thought of it brings such a big sense of relief, it's hard to describe.
And yes, I do hope that one way or another a trip to Germany and a trip to Ireland will be in the cards for 2021 (Covid permitting....)
So much for an update from this side of the Atlantic.
Leaps of Faith - I can recommend them!
I hope you are all well and we will catch up again soon.
Hugs around the world!
Uli & Co.